Social skills are not a performance of eye contact, still hands, scripted politeness, or constant conversation. They are the skills and supports that help people share information, protect boundaries, participate in wanted activities, build relationships, and repair misunderstandings.
Communication is also a two-person process. The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association notes that breakdowns between autistic and non-autistic people can reflect differences on both sides, sometimes described as the double-empathy problem (ASHA Autism Practice Portal). A useful checklist therefore examines the communication partner and environment as well as the autistic person.
This page is a planning tool, not a standardized assessment or a list of behaviors every person must master.
Use four marks
After printing, mark each item:
- I — Independent: works in the real setting without a new adult prompt;
- S — Supported: works with AAC, a visual, preparation, modeling, or another useful support;
- A — Access barrier: the person wants or needs the outcome but the environment or communication system blocks it; or
- N — Not a priority: the person does not want it, does not need it now, or another goal matters more.
Write down the context. A person may communicate comfortably with one trusted friend and need much more support in a noisy group.
Communication access and self-advocacy
- Has a reliable way to say yes, no, stop, wait, and not that
- Asks for help or clarification when a social situation is confusing
- Requests a break, more distance, quieter space, or another regulation support
- Chooses whether to join, observe, leave, or decline an activity
- Communicates preferred topics, activities, people, and interaction styles
- Has access to speech, AAC, signs, writing, or another communication form throughout the activity
- Identifies at least one trusted person to contact when something feels unsafe
Self-advocacy is a social skill. A person who can decline an interaction safely has more social choice, not less competence.
Shared attention and shared activities
- Notices when another person is directing useful information to them
- Follows a point, gesture, visual cue, or spoken direction when it is accessible
- Directs another person’s attention to something interesting or important
- Shares materials or space during a mutually chosen activity
- Takes a turn when turn-taking is relevant to the activity
- Waits or negotiates when two people want the same item or role
- Communicates when they want the activity to continue, change, pause, or end
Do not reduce shared attention to looking at another person’s eyes. Orientation, gestures, showing, commenting, proximity, and coordinated action can all demonstrate shared engagement.
Starting and joining interaction
- Approaches a familiar person using a comfortable signal
- Gets another person’s attention in a way that can work in the setting
- Invites someone into a preferred activity
- Uses an entry strategy for an ongoing activity, such as asking, observing first, or offering a relevant item
- Responds to an invitation with acceptance, refusal, or a request for more information
- Introduces a preferred topic while noticing whether the other person is available
- Uses a prepared script, visual, or message when a new situation is hard to initiate
Scripts can provide access. The goal is not to ban them; it is to help the person adapt, repair, or exit when the script does not fit.
Conversation and information exchange
- Shares information, opinions, humor, or reactions in an understandable form
- Asks a question when information is genuinely needed or wanted
- Responds to a question using speech, AAC, gesture, writing, or another form
- Indicates when a question is too personal, unclear, or unwanted
- Notices whether a communication partner has understood the key message
- Adds context when the listener does not know the person, place, or event being discussed
- Ends or pauses the exchange clearly
Frequent small talk is not the only successful outcome. A short, direct exchange can be socially effective.
Friendship and mutuality
- Identifies people they enjoy being with
- Knows at least one way to contact or reconnect with a preferred person
- Participates in a shared interest without one person controlling every step
- Notices and communicates personal preferences and boundaries
- Asks about or responds to another person’s stated preference when relevant
- Recognizes when a relationship is one-sided, pressuring, or unsafe
- Accepts that a friend can be unavailable without the relationship automatically ending
- Uses support to plan an activity, invitation, or follow-up message
Friendship goals should reflect the person’s own interests and desired relationships. Being physically near peers is not the same as belonging.
Understanding context without demanding mind-reading
- Identifies explicit rules for a familiar setting
- Notices clear signals that an activity is beginning, changing, or ending
- Distinguishes a request from a choice when the language is clear
- Asks rather than guessing when another person’s intention is uncertain
- Uses direct information about plans, roles, and expectations
- Recognizes that tone, facial expression, and body language can be ambiguous
- Encounters partners who explain hidden expectations instead of punishing missed cues
Many social rules are indirect or inconsistent. Teaching a person to ask for explicit information can be more protective than expecting perfect interpretation of subtle cues.
Conflict, mistakes, and repair
- Communicates that a misunderstanding occurred
- Tries another word, symbol, example, gesture, or written message
- States the problem without being required to accept blame automatically
- Listens to or reads another person’s account when regulated enough to do so
- Suggests or selects a practical next step
- Apologizes when they understand what happened and choose to repair harm
- Seeks help when the conflict includes bullying, coercion, threats, or repeated boundary violations
- Leaves or pauses when continuing the interaction is unsafe or unproductive
Digital and community safety
- Knows which personal information should not be shared publicly
- Recognizes pressure to keep unsafe secrets, send images, money, or account details
- Blocks, reports, or asks for help with unwanted online contact
- Checks who a message is from before following a link or instruction
- Identifies a safe meeting plan for online contacts
- Communicates when lost, separated, or uncertain in the community
- Knows how to contact a trusted person or emergency support
Communication-partner checklist
- Partners use direct, understandable language instead of relying only on hints
- Partners allow processing time without repeatedly restating the question
- Partners accept AAC, writing, gestures, and reduced eye contact
- Partners respect safe refusals and requests to pause
- Partners share responsibility for repairing misunderstandings
- Activities include genuine interests, roles, and choices
- Adults do not reward peers for tolerating an autistic person or frame friendship as charity
- Support is available without taking over the interaction
ASHA describes social communication intervention as individualized and notes that approaches can involve communication partners, peer-mediated support, scripts, and other strategies rather than one uniform method (ASHA Social Communication Disorder Practice Portal).
Choose one useful next goal
Prioritize an item when it:
- improves safety or protects a boundary;
- gives access to a relationship or activity the person wants;
- prevents a frequent communication breakdown;
- can be practiced in a real recurring context; and
- can be supported without requiring masking or discomfort as the price of success.
Examples:
- asks a peer to clarify an unfamiliar game rule;
- uses a prepared message to invite a classmate into a shared interest;
- communicates “I need a break” before leaving a noisy group;
- repairs a misunderstood message using writing or AAC; or
- identifies a trusted adult and reports repeated unwanted contact.